Families For Life | A survival guide to happily ever after
Fights happen! No marriage is perfect and tackling conflicts together can help strengthen your bonds too. It’s okay to feel lost during rough patches in your marriage. Some conflicts will take more effort to resolve and need a different strategy to overcome!
Here’s a guide to help you and your partner navigate these obstacles together and come out stronger!
Learning the Time Out Strategy
The Time Out strategy will help you manage conflicts by avoiding negative (and often unintended) momentum that can damage your relationship. This tool can help you de-escalate conflicts and take the next steps to resolve them peacefully.
Here are the rules:
Decide safe words to use with your partner when a Time Out is needed.
Either you or your partner can call a Time Out at any time during conflict.
Both you and your partner agree to honour either person’s need for a Time Out.
After Time Out is called, both partners can take as long as they need to calm down first before they decide how to deal with the issue.
Use the Time Out to calm down and lower your intensity. Do not use the Time Out to dwell on the argument. The key is to keep moving forward, not get stuck in the past.
Now that you’ve equipped yourself with the tool to help you manage difficult conflicts, let’s learn when to apply them!
Looking Out for the Physical and Emotional Signs
These signs are your first indication that the conflict might be growing out of hand.
Physical signs:
Racing heart
Raised voices
Struggling to communicate clearly
Emotional signs:
Overwhelming negative emotions
Fight-or-flight feeling
When you’re overwhelmed, it can be difficult to communicate effectively. When you start experiencing these signs, call for a Time Out and step away from the situation. The break can clear your head and help you process the information.
Spotting the Danger Signs
During a conflict, it can be easy to fall into communication traps that can damage your relationship. Look out for these signs and call for a Time Out before the conflict gets out of hand.
Escalation
Escalation is the moment when either side begins responding negatively to the other. This could manifest as attacks on you or your spouse’s personality or character.
Invalidation
Invalidation occurs when we feel judged or dismissed for sharing our thoughts and concerns. Invalidation can present itself as snide remarks, sarcasm, or even speaking with contempt and belittling each other in conversations.
Negative Interpretations
In heated moments, we become more susceptible to negative interpretations and start assuming the worst about our partner during the conflict.
Withdrawal
Stepping away or mentally tuning out and disengaging from a conflict without resolution can happen if one party feels like they are being blamed, criticised, or overloaded with too much information too quickly.
If you struggle to manage conflicts with your loved one, marriage programmes can help you improve your ability to handle them. You can pick up crucial skills like: critical communication and conflict resolution skills, managing stress in your marriage, or developing behavioural techniques for problem-solving!
As you work your way through the problem, don’t forget that you and your partner are in this together. All the best!