Families For Life | Understanding Generational Differences

In-laws — sometimes they can be your biggest supporters and other times, they can be some of your biggest critics. It can get worse when they might want to have a say in everything you do as a new parent. Learning how to juggle the challenges of parenthood and your parents’ judgments can be hard but it is not impossible. Here’s how you can maintain a good relationship with your parents even as you learn how to raise your own family.

1. Understand their point of view

As much as it is exciting to have kids of your own, it’s just as exciting for your parents to have a new addition to the extended family, especially if it’s the first grandchild. At times, that excitement might extend to constantly wanting to see the child or being over-anxious when the baby cries or fusses.

Try to see their words and actions as coming from a place of love and concern. Ultimately, both your parents and you want what is best for your child - they just might not have the same methods of achieving that goal as you.

2. Communication is key

This applies to not just your in-laws but your partner as well. Before setting any boundaries, discuss it with your partner first to make sure both of you are on the same page about how much you want your parents to be involved in your family and that your expectations for your in-laws are reasonable and respectful. If needed, ask your partner to break the news to their parents first to avoid any further hostility and misunderstandings.

For example, if your in-laws are constantly disagreeing with your parenting methods, you could ask your partner what their parenting style was like before and understand why they disagree with yours. With that in mind, discuss a compromise that gives them some room to give constructive criticism but still keeps within you and your partner’s shared goals and values for your family.

3. Be firm yet respectful

When the time comes to speak with grandparents, do so in a gentle and non-confrontational manner. Emphasise that you still respect them as parents and elders but they need to step back a little and let you be in charge of raising your child. It might help to explain your rationale for certain decisions so that they can understand your point of view and hopefully see that you are acting in the best interest of your child.

At the same time, try to stay open-minded and don’t cut off the channel for them to give advice and feedback. If there is anything reasonable that can be learned from them, take it in your stride and try out their method for a change. As much as you might want to be in control, there is much that can be learned from someone else who has more experience than you.

4. Make them feel involved as much as possible

While it’s important to set healthy boundaries with your parents, your child deserves to have a close relationship with their grandparents. Whether it’s babysitting or picking up the kids from school, look for opportunities to allow your parents to spend time with their grandchildren!

Set a good example for your kids by regularly including the grandparents in your family dinners and outings. Use this time to mend any rifts between you and your in-laws and show them firsthand how you are working to be a competent parent to hopefully reassure them that they need not be too worried about the kids’ welfare.