Families For Life | Help! My spouse and I have different parenting styles!
Forget good cop, bad cop parenting. Those days are long gone. No one wants to be the bad guy, and presenting a disunited parenting front can hurt your relationship and send your child conflicting signals.
First, let us recognise that parenting can be challenging. Kudos to you for choosing this oftentimes stressful but rewarding journey. While disagreements are inevitable in parenting styles due to our different cultural backgrounds, personal beliefs and upbringing, here’s some information that can help you understand it better.
Understanding The Different Primary Parenting Styles
So, what are the different parenting styles? Experts from both the 1960s and 80s have identified four primary ones.
Authoritarian: The Authoritarian style is high on discipline and low on warmth. Parents who employ this style set strict rules and expect obedience without much explanation.
Permissive: The Permissive style tends to be high on warmth and low on discipline. Parents who employ this style are lenient and avoid setting boundaries or enforcing consequences.
Authoritative: Although similar-sounding to the Authoritarian style, the Authoritative style is, in fact, high in both discipline and warmth. Parents who employ this style set clear rules, provide explanations, and are open to discussion.
Uninvolved: Finally, the aptly named Uninvolved style is low on both discipline and warmth, exemplified by detached parents who provide little guidance or support to their children.
It’s All About Same Same But Different
When parents have differing parenting styles, it can confuse children. For example, if one parent is permissive while the other is authoritarian, children may receive mixed messages about what's expected of them. However, there are strategies for couples to create a unified parenting front.
Firstly, keep communication open. Discuss your different beliefs and values so that your spouse and you both clearly know and understand them. Then, try exploring how your parenting styles can complement each other. For instance, a permissive parent could help an authoritarian parent be more affectionate and on the flip side, an authoritarian parent can help the permissive parent set boundaries.
It is also important not to undermine each other. Support your partner’s parenting decision if the outcome is a positive change to present a united front and avoid confusing your child.
You’ll find that it helps to learn about parenting together through books, support groups and parenting programmes widely available in Singapore.
You Asked For Help, And Here It Is!
Three such parenting programmes are the Positive Parenting Program (Triple P), Signposts, and Purposeful Play. These programmes are delivered by 10 Parenting Support Providers (PSPs) across Singapore and can be signed up through your child’s school or the PSPs themselves.
Triple P is an evidence-based programme that equips parents with techniques to promote their children’s psychological, social, and emotional competence. It is built on a tiered system that provides different degrees of parental support, and the level 2 seminar series is even available for grandparents.
Signposts is also an evidence-based programme. However, it is designed to equip parents with skills to help them understand, prevent, and manage their primary school-going child’s difficult behaviour.
Purposeful Play is for you if you want to build supportive relationships with other parents while learning how to bond and strengthen your relationship with your child. Developed jointly by the MSF and the Parenting Research Centre in Australia, it helps parents develop their children through play and common home activities.
What matters most, however, is that you and your spouse share the same goal of raising your child in a healthy and happy environment. Hopefully, after reading this article, you’ll say, “Yay! My Spouse and I Have Different Parenting Styles, But We Made It Work!”.