Families For Life | How to (Properly) Say I’m Sorry

Sir Elton John said it best - sorry seems to be the hardest word. Using too little could mean you are unwilling to own up to your mistakes. If used too much, the word loses its value. Here's our advice on properly saying sorry for relationships to heal or even get stronger!

Take a time-out first

An argument or stressful discussion between married couples often precedes the need to apologise. A time-out of up to half an hour for both partners might be the best thing to do before attempting to resolve cases like these. In general, here are five rules for effective time-outs.

  • First, decide on some safe words to initiate the time-out, like “chope” or even “time-out.”

  • Remember that you or your spouse may call for a time-out at any time in the argument.

  • More importantly, respect each other’s need for a time-out

  • You and your spouse should take up to half an hour to calm down before deciding how to resolve the issue (saying sorry might be it).

  • The time-out should be used to start afresh and communicate better with your partner when you both return from it

Say it like you mean it

If you are going to say sorry, you have to say it like you mean it. This starts with taking responsibility for your mistake, and not blaming work, your partner, or even worse, your children. Own your mistake and begin with a simple “I’m so sorry…” and say it with sincerity when you do. Choose the right words when you acknowledge your partner’s feelings, express your regret and ask for forgiveness. Here are five key components to a sincere apology.

  • Expressing regret

  • Accepting responsibility

  • Genuine repentance

  • Making restitution

  • Requesting forgiveness

Actions speak louder than words

So you’ve said sorry, but having to say it too many times might be a sign to your partner that you are not making an effort to learn from your mistakes. Try to take positive steps not to repeat them. If you are bad with time management, set reminders or alarms. When it comes to chores, chip in a little bit more. Money matters causing friction? Set financial goals together. Actions always speak louder than words, especially if that word is sorry.

Forgiveness is just as important

Sorry goes both ways. If your partner has violated your trust or hurt you and the tables are turned, you should also learn to forgive. Marriage is a long-term commitment, and there will definitely be some rough patches along the way. Couples who are physically and emotionally secure in their commitment to each other share their hurts more candidly and forgive more easily, but they are also human. It is normal to forgive your spouse slowly, even after a sincere apology, but accept it nonetheless with the caveat of needing time to rebuild trust and heal. When you eventually forgive, however, you will be freed from the stronghold of resentment. Here’s a pro tip. Separate the problem from the person and solve the issue without harming the relationship.

Saying sorry is never easy, but it's crucial for a healthy marriage. Next time you find yourself in an argument, bounce back stronger by following these tips!