Families For Life | Difficult Conversations with Pre-teens and Teenagers
Difficult conversations with pre-teens and teenagers: what are they?
Difficult conversations cover any topic that might be embarrassing, upsetting or controversial for either you or your child. If could also be something that might cause an argument or a conflict between the two of you.
Sex, masturbation, alcohol or other drugs, academic difficulties, self-harm, secrets, work and money are all topics that families can find difficult to talk about.
If you are prepared, it can help you feel more confident and comfortable to tackle difficult conversations.
Preparing for difficult conversations with pre-teens and teenagers
There are no scripts for difficult conversations and tricky topics.
It is a good idea to think about these topics before your child asks. If you work out a few key points about sex, alcohol, parties and so on beforehand – even practise them – you will be ready when your child asks a tricky question about sex while you are driving!
When you have had a chance to think about these topics, it is also a good idea to raise them before your child asks, so your child knows they can talk to you. For example, early conversations about things like sexting can help your child stay safe.
Managing difficult conversations with pre-teens and teenagers
First reactions
Try to stay calm. Be honest if you are shocked by the topic. Reassure your child that you do want to discuss the issue. This can help your child feel they can talk to you about anything.
Make sure the first thing you say to your child is something that lets them know you are happy that they want to talk to you. For example, ‘I am so happy that you trust me to help you with this’ or ‘Thank you for coming to me about this’.
Listen to your child. This means giving your child a chance to talk through what is going on, without you trying to fix the situation. Often, teenagers are not expecting you to fix things – they just want you to listen.
Avoid being critical, judgmental, or getting emotional. If you need to let off steam, choose another adult to talk to when your child is not around.
Next steps
If you need a bit of time to calm down or gather your thoughts before you talk, set a time to talk later. Make sure it is soon – do not wait until the next day. Your child might go ahead without your input in the meantime.
If your child has some specific issues they want your help with and you are not sure how to advise them, say so. Offer to work with your child to find out what they need to know – for example, about contraception, sexuality, alcohol and so on.
If your child wants your help with a tricky situation, try guiding your child through a problem-solving approach. This can help your child learn to find solutions or make decisions themselves. You could offer to talk with your child after they put the solution or make decisions into action.
If your child wants your opinion, let your child know how you see the situation rather than telling them what to do. For example, ‘I would inform my teacher if I knew someone was being bullied but I understand that you do not want to snitch on your friends. We can talk about how you can handle this situation’.
Your child is becoming an independent young person with their own beliefs, values and opinions. There will be times when you and your child have different opinions about tricky topics. That is okay. This gives you both the chance to hear and respect new perspectives.
When pre-teens and teenagers will not have difficult conversations
It is common for teenagers to avoid talking about embarrassing or upsetting topics, especially if you raise them first. Sometimes you might not even realise a topic is upsetting or embarrassing until you raise it.
If your child does not want to have difficult conversations with you, you could try the following:
Try to set aside some time each day to talk with your child. Ask your child open-ended questions and let them know that if they do want to talk, you are happy to listen. This will help you stay connected with your child and might help them feel more comfortable to come to you in future.
Keep up to date with your child’s interests. This gives you things to talk about and shows that you are interested in your child’s wellbeing.
Try communicating in a different way. Teenagers often like to communicate through chat and text messages. Your child might find it easier to talk about tricky topics this way.
If your child would not talk to you, suggest other adults they could talk to, like a relative, teacher, counsellor or neighbour. Tell your child that you are happy to listen any time they want to talk to you.
Benefits of difficult conversations
Tackling difficult conversations together with your child is a sign that you have a healthy relationship.
It helps to keep your relationship with your child close and trusting. If you are warm, accepting, non-judgmental, uncritical and also open to negotiating and setting limits, your child is likely to feel more connected to you. Your child is also more likely to discuss issues with you in the future.
If you know what is going on in your child’s life, you are better placed to help them manage difficult situations. Discussing tricky topics with you gives your child the opportunity to explore their choices and work out whether they are the right ones for them.
Try not to avoid difficult conversations with your child. If you do, your child might end up making choices that have negative consequences. For example, a sexually active teenager who does not ask for advice about contraception might end up with an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection.
Difficult topics to discuss with pre-teens and teenagers
Media and social media
Disaster news and distressing news events: supporting teenagers
Mental health
Mental health in pre-teens and teenagers
School and social life
School problems: pre-teens and teenagers
Teenage bullying: what to look for and how to help
‘Frenemies’ and toxic relationships: pre-teens and teenagers
© raisingchildren.net.au, translated and adapted with permission