Families For Life | Talking about Tough Topics
When the Conversation is Tough for You:
When a topic is more personal, like the death of a family member or a major change in your life, you may find yourself navigating your own emotions at the same time as your child’s. Some topics may also feel uncomfortable to raise simply because they were never openly discussed, and that's okay.
It’s okay to let your child know that you are affected too. Saying things like “I’m sad too, because I loved grandma very much”, can help validate your child’s feelings, showing them that difficult emotions are normal, and models that it’s safe to talk about how we feel. What matters is that even as you share your feelings, your child can still sense that you are steady and present with them.
In some families, certain topics like death, mental health or relationship difficulties may not have been something that was talked about openly, especially in the presence of young children. Give yourself time to organise your thoughts beforehand if you can. Remember that you don’t need to have the perfect answers to every question.
Having Tough Conversations: What To Keep in Mind
If something significant has happened—a death, a divorce or another major change—try to tell your child yourself, and as soon as reasonably possible. For your child, hearing difficult news from you helps build trust and a sense of security. You are best placed to explain things in a way that is accurate and appropriate for your child, offer comfort in the way they need it, and to help them process emotions in a healthy way.
You don’t always have to wait for your child to bring something up. If you have a sense of what they’re seeing and hearing (at school, on television, or from other family members), you can gently raise these topics yourself. This gives you a chance to guide the conversation rather than simply react to it.
When a conversation arises, follow your child’s lead. Answer their questions honestly, keep your language simple and try to maintain a calm demeanour throughout, as your child will likely take emotional cues from you. If a question catches you off-guard, it’s completely fine to say, “That’s a good question, let me think about it and we can talk about it later.”, before coming back to them.
If possible, try to have these conversations in a familiar and calm environment.
Understanding How Your Child Sees the World:
Before having these conversations, it helps to understand how young children often make sense of things.
At this age, children often think very concretely and literally. Abstract concepts like “passing on” or “going to a better place” can confuse them. Simple and honest language tends to work much better.
Young children also tend to relate everything back to themselves. Behind many big questions is often an underlying worry of “will this happen to me, or to someone I love?”. This means that it is important to make sure that your child feels safe and reassured throughout the conversation.
Young children also rarely process big things at once. Let your child know that they can continue to ask you questions and be prepared to re-route back to the topic to check in on them and their feelings.