Families For Life | Your first child is not the third parent!

Do you often hear others describing your oldest child as, “well-behaved”, “responsible”, or “mature”? While these are typically good traits to possess, having them at such a tender age may not necessarily be a good thing. 

What’s wrong with it?

As the oldest child, they are often expected to be a good role model for their siblings and take on more responsibilities within the household. They may even assume a parental role, caring for their siblings’ well-being and needs. You might now be thinking, “What’s wrong with that? Isn’t it good that they’re being helpful?”

Helping around the house is okay, great even. The issue arises when your firstborn is expected to manage their siblings’ cleanliness, food, and schedules, all while being mindful of setting a good example with their own behaviour. This is a significant burden to put on a child, and they may struggle under the weight of these expectations.

How does this affect them?

The effects might not show immediately, but over time, they can contribute to the development of low self-worth, inflexibility, or even resentment. As your child becomes conditioned to meeting high expectations and doing everything “right,” they may begin seeking constant approval to feel valued. This need for external validation can carry into their future relationships, where they might struggle to relinquish control or fall into an authoritarian role, mirroring the responsibilities they shouldered as a child. Additionally, they may feel as though they missed out on essential aspects of childhood—fun, exploration, and carefree play — because they were forced to grow up too quickly in order to care for their siblings.

What you can do

As parents, you want what’s best for your children and what’s best for your oldest is to be rid of all the labels that often go hand-in-hand with being born first — responsible, patient, helpful. While it’s wonderful if they eventually develop these traits, it shouldn’t come at the expense of their childhood. 

Instead of letting your oldest bear everything, assign age-appropriate tasks to all your children based on their abilities and interests. Tasks like folding clothes or cleaning up toys can be shared responsibilities, so everyone contributes. Try not to make your oldest child responsible for tasks that directly benefit their younger siblings, such as fetching diapers or cleaning bottles. It’s okay for them to help occasionally, but it shouldn’t become a habit. Make sure everyone helps out around the house to ease the load on your firstborn.

To reduce your firstborn’s tendency to seek approval, try to minimise your reactions when they do something for their younger siblings. Positive reinforcement can sometimes encourage them to do more just to please you. Help your child discover their own interests instead and encourage them to do things simply because they enjoy them, rather than doing them to earn your attention. Engage them in conversations about their favourite songs, hobbies, and feelings, so they can learn to be in tune with themselves.

Preserving the essence of childhood

It’s good to raise responsible and independent children, but there must be a balance. After all, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Don’t burden your firstborn with extra responsibilities simply because they were born first. Your oldest child is not the third parent, and it’s unfair to shape their life solely based on birth order. Just let your child be a child.