Teenage Bullying: What to Look for and How to Help

What is bullying?

Bullying is when someone deliberately and repeatedly upsets, frightens, threatens or hurts someone else or their property, reputation or social status.

Bullying can be:

verbal bullying – for example, insulting, threatening or making fun of someone
bullying behind someone’s back – for example, playing nasty jokes, spreading rumours or encouraging peers to exclude someone
physical bullying – for example, pushing, tripping or hitting someone, or damaging their propert
cyberbullying – using digital technology to deliberately harass or humiliate.

All bullying is hurtful. When it keeps going, it can cause long-lasting harm.

Spotting the signs of bullying

Teenage bullying can be hard to spot.

It’s often less physical than bullying among younger children. Also, your child might try to hide it from you and others. Your child might feel ashamed and afraid or might not want you to worry. They might deny it’s happened if you ask them about it. Often teenagers just want bullying to go away.

But there are signs of teenage bullying that you can look out for. For example, a child who’s being bullied might have problems with school, or show emotional, behavioural or physical signs.

School problems

Your child might:

refuse to go to school, make excuses not to go to school, or skip school and not tell you
be unhappy or anxious before or after school
say ‘I hate school’ or express fear of school
start doing poorly at school.

Emotional and behavioural signs

Your child might:

become more and more isolated from others
show noticeable changes in behaviour or emotions, like anxiety
have trouble sleeping
seem low on self-confidence – for example, say things like ‘I’m no good’ or not to try new things
start using alcohol or other drugs.

Physical signs

Your child might:

have physical injuries they can’t or won’t explain – for example, bruises or torn clothing
come home with damaged or missing belongings
regularly tell you they have a headache, stomach ache or other physical problem.

Your child might be experiencing some of these signs for other reasons, so it’s best to talk together about the signs you’ve noticed.

Talking with teenagers about bullying

If your child is being bullied, listening and talking with your child is essential. This helps you to find out what’s happening so you can take action with the school or organisation where the bullying is happening. Calm and caring conversations with you will also help your child feel loved and supported.

Here are some ideas for talking with your child:

Actively listen to how your child is feeling. Try to talk somewhere quiet where you can give your child your full attention. Ask your child simple questions, then listen to the answers. For example, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’
Tell your child that you’ll help. For example, ‘It sounds like things haven’t been so good. Let’s think about what we can do to make it better’.
Make sure your child knows that the bullying isn’t their fault. For example, ‘It isn’t okay for someone to treat you like that. You deserve to be treated with respect no matter what’.
Praise your child for telling you about the bullying. It might have been hard for your child to talk about it.

Working with schools on bullying

If your child is being bullied at school, it’s important to get the help of the school as quickly as you can.

Schools must take bullying seriously. Your child’s teachers should be trained in spotting and handling bullying. They can work with you to prevent further bullying.

If your child is being bullied at school, it’s important to get the help of the school as quickly as you can.

Let your child know that you’re going to involve the school. Ask whether they’d like to be with you when you talk to the school, and what they want you to say.
Make an appointment to see your child’s teacher or the year coordinator. These people have the most contact with your child.
Discuss the problem with your child’s teacher, put forward the facts as you know them, and ask for the school’s views.
Be ready to listen, and be assertive rather than angry. For example, ‘Yes, children do have disagreements sometimes. But I think this is more serious’.
End the meeting with a plan for managing the situation and a time for a follow-up meeting.

What if your child doesn’t want the school involved?

Your child might be embarrassed or worried that involving the school will make the bullying worse. It’s important to listen to your child’s concerns and see what you can do to ease their worries. For example, you might be able to make an appointment at the school at a time when other students are less likely to notice.

But in the end, you’re the best person to decide what’s in your child’s best interests, even if that means involving the school against your child’s wishes.

If the bullying doesn’t stop: what to do

If the bullying doesn’t stop, it’s still safer to work with your child’s school than to take matters into your own hands.

At this stage, it’s important to have a record of what’s going on. So when there’s a bullying incident, get your child to write down:

exactly what happened
the name(s) of the person or people who did it
when and where it happened
what your child has already said or done to stop the behaviour.

If the bullying involves physical harm, you or your child can take photos.

You can take screenshots if the bullying involves posts on social media, comments on instant chat, emails or text messages.

You need to talk with your child’s teacher again, and this time you can use your child’s record of what happened and when. You can ask for your concern to be addressed in writing.

If the bullying still doesn’t stop even after you’ve spoken to your child’s teacher several times, you could also speak to the school principal.

Support outside the school system

If the bullying is violent, if criminal offences have occurred, or if you think the school has treated you unfairly or unreasonably, you still have options:

Seek legal advice.
Tell the police.
Contact the Ministry of Education for help.

Supporting teenagers at home

Your child needs support and love at home while you work with the school on a solution to the bullying.

You can show love in ways that suit your child’s age and maturity. This might be a hug or a pat on the back, telling your child you love them, or spending time together doing something they enjoy.

Your child might want to stay home to avoid the bullying, but this won’t help. It’s best for your child to think about what they can do about the bullying. For example, your child could:

identify safe places within the school to avoid the bullying
list a few teachers or other adults they can turn to for help
work with you on a problem-solving approach to the situation.