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What is social anxiety in children?

Social anxiety typically affects older children and teenagers.

Children with social anxiety usually:

• have difficulty meeting other children or joining in groups

• have a limited number of friends

• avoid social situations where they might be the focus of attention or stand out from others – for example, asking or answering questions in class

• seem withdrawn or reserved in group situations.

Social anxiety can have some physical signs too, including nausea, stomach aches, blushing and trembling.

It’s easy not to notice social anxiety. This is because children who have social anxiety are often quiet and obedient in preschool or school. They might not talk about their fears or worries.

Helping children with social anxiety

If your child is suffering from social anxiety, they’ll need your support. There are many things you can do when you’re:

• at home with your child

• at preschool or school with your child or in other social situations

• talking with your child about their anxious feelings.

At home

• Prepare your child for situations that make them feel worried or fearful. Act out the situation at home and practise things they can do to make it easier.

• Encourage your child to do some ‘detective thinking’. For example, your child might think that everyone will laugh at them if they answer a question in class. You could ask your child, ‘How do you know they’ll laugh?’

• Tell your child about times you’ve felt anxious in social situations and how you’ve faced your fears. This will help your child understand that it’s okay to talk about anxious feelings. They’ll also feel that you understand and support them.

At preschool or school or in other social situations

• Gently encourage your child to join in social situations, do things in front of other people, and start new activities. Avoiding social situations can make the issue worse.

• If your child has an anxious reaction to a situation, don’t worry. Try the situation again another time with more preparation. Don’t force your child, or punish or scold them for ‘failing’.

• Avoid speaking for your child. This can make the issue worse.

• Tell your child’s preschool, kindergarten or school about your child’s anxiety. Also let them know what you’re doing to help your child. This way, other people can give your child consistent support.

When talking with your child

• If your child does something that normally makes them anxious – for example, talking on the phone – acknowledge their bravery with plenty of praise. Tell your child that you’re proud they’re trying their best. If other people are around, praise your child quietly and make a big deal when you’re alone. This helps to foster your child’s self-esteem.

• No matter how frustrated you feel, avoid criticising your child or being negative about their difficulty in social situations.

• Avoid labelling your child as ‘shy’. If other people comment on your child’s behaviour in social situations, you could say something like ‘Actually, Kai’s quite outgoing around people he knows well’.

Using the stepladder approach to help with social anxiety

The stepladder approach is a gentle behaviour technique that you can use to help children with anxiety, including social anxiety. It involves starting small and tackling little things before you face the really scary things.

For example, if your child has trouble talking to new people, they could start by saying ‘goodbye’ to a friend they’ve met a few times, building up to saying ‘hello’ to someone they’ve just met, and eventually having conversations with other children at school.

Professional help for social anxiety in children

If you’re worried about your child’s anxiety and feel that it’s affecting their enjoyment of life, consider seeking professional help. Here are some places to start:

• your child’s teacher at preschool or school, or a school counsellor

• your child’s General Practitioner or paediatrician, who can refer you to an appropriate mental health practitioner

• a specialist anxiety clinic

Social anxiety disorder

Some children and teenagers develop social anxiety disorder. This is when a child’s social anxiety has gone on for more than 6 months and significantly affects the child’s life.

Children with social anxiety disorder might avoid many situations that mean they have to interact with other people. These situations include talking on the phone, joining teams or clubs, and answering questions in class. If you feel your child might have social anxiety disorder, it’s a good idea to seek professional help.

Social anxiety disorder can be diagnosed in children as young as 4 years.

Shyness or social anxiety?

Shy behaviour is normal in children. And some children are naturally shy. This means they’re slow to warm up or uncomfortable in social situations.

But extreme shyness can interfere with a child’s everyday activities, and this can be a sign of social anxiety disorder. If this sounds like your child, it’s a good idea to see a professional like your General Practitioner or paediatrician or a psychologist.