Families For Life | Making room for privacy in marriage

Everyone has things they would rather not say out loud, but this line becomes blurry when you and your spouse get married. This is natural as there are some things you don’t have to share, and yet we often hear that partners should not keep secrets. This balancing act is tricky to navigate, and it can cause tensions if not approached carefully. Let’s learn the difference between privacy and keeping secrets, and how we can create healthy boundaries around this with our partner.

Privacy vs secrecy

First, let’s set the record straight: privacy is not the same as secrecy!

Privacy is having the right to your personal space, thoughts, feelings, and experiences that you want to keep to yourself. Privacy sets boundaries around how and when you are available and protects your need for alone time.

On the other hand, secrecy involves intentionally hiding information that could negatively affect your partner or the relationship. It's holding details out of fear, shame, or to avoid conflict. Secrecy erodes trust and creates distance between partners.

It’s easy for couples to mix up privacy and secrecy as both involve keeping information from each other. One way to make the distinction is by considering intent and impact. For example, choosing not to share social media passwords can be a matter of privacy if it means partners can express themselves freely or discover interests. However, if a partner does so to hide conversations with certain people, it crosses into secrecy.

What counts as privacy in marriage?

Here are some areas where couples often define their boundaries on privacy:​

  • Personal devices like smartphones

  • Passwords to personal online accounts, like social media accounts

  • Individual bank accounts, including balances, passwords, and access

  • Conversations with friends and family

  • Private space, like changing after a shower

  • Time to engage in personal hobbies or interests

  • Past relationships, romantic or otherwise

  • Embarrassing, hurtful, or traumatic stories from your past

Remember: you do not have to share everything. Knowing what and what not to share is an important communication skill for couples to learn and use in their marriage. Doing so maintains individuality, builds trust, and allows personal growth. Privacy also ensures that partners feel safe and secure in their relationship.

Establishing boundaries on privacy

To establish these boundaries effectively, have an open and honest conversation with your partner about them. Here are some of our tips and considerations when establishing these privacy boundaries:

1. Choose the right time

The best time is when both partners are calm and free from distractions, such as after dinner or before bed.

2. Be honest

Take this opportunity to express clearly what privacy means to you or what you value in it. You can use the Speaker-Listener technique or “I” statements to tell your partner exactly what you expect. At the same time, avoid accusatory statements that might upset your partner.

3. Listen actively

As one partner is speaking, the other should listen attentively, engage, and be present. Show understanding by rephrasing what you've heard when there's a natural pause in the conversation.

4. Negotiate patiently

Not every boundary will be agreed upon immediately. Perhaps one of you might question certain terms or feel strongly about knowing specific details. In these situations, slow down and work on a compromise instead.

5. Honour those boundaries

After your discussion, vow to respect your established boundaries, follow through with action, and revisit them periodically to ensure they serve both your needs.

Empowering your marriage with privacy

Keeping secrets from your spouse is unhealthy, but a certain degree of privacy in a relationship is necessary and expected. Though privacy boundaries can sometimes test relationships, it can also be the key to growing closer. By being respectful and understanding of these boundaries, you and your partner can cultivate a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Remember, if the going gets tough, there’s nothing wrong in seeking external professional help. You and your spouse can consider exploring marriage programmes offered by Families for Life and equip yourselves with essential skills to navigate challenges and develop stronger relationships.