Families For Life | Marriage Expectations Check: Respect, support, and what else?
It’s a dream when our expectations align with reality. The same can be said of relationships and married life. However, the truth is that expectations in marriage often go unspoken, leading to misunderstandings and a strained relationship.
To help you build better understanding, empathy, and connection, let’s discuss how you and your partner can set healthy expectations and some conversation starters to help create a more fulfilling partnership.
Why Expectations Fall Short In Marriage
Many couples struggle with communicating their expectations because they may not realise that there is a need to do so. You may assume that things are done a certain way because you grew up seeing them and considered them “normal”. Meanwhile, your spouse may have a different upbringing from you, so what’s “normal” or “expected” is bound to vary.
A misplaced sense of mutual understanding in couples can lead to unsaid expectations. This shows up often as comments like “I thought you would know…” or “You should have known…”. While it is great to have a partner who knows you well, there are still a lot of personal thoughts and feelings your spouse will not know and cannot read your mind about.
We may also be afraid to share or discuss expectations, if we think that our spouses may not value our opinions or take our needs seriously.
When your expectations are not met, it can leave you disappointed, hurt, or angry, and cause strains in your relationship. It’s important to understand that discussing and setting clear expectations isn’t about being demanding or pushy; it’s about ensuring you both feel heard, supported, and valued while working towards your shared vision of married life together.
Common Marriage Expectations
Every marriage is different, but there are common areas where it is important for couples to discuss and set expectations to create common ground, such as:
Communication and Respect: When and where is the best time to have deep conversations? How do you want to be talked to during such check-ins?
Conflict Resolution: What’s the preferred approach to handling disagreements? Should you give each other time apart before discussing?
Household Responsibilities: Should chores be shared equally, or do they change depending on work schedules or other factors?
Finances: Should you keep your separate accounts, or start a joint account? How much should each partner be contributing? What are your shared financial goals?
Emotional Support: How do you want to be supported in times of distress?
Intimacy: How do you express love to each other? When sharing intimate time, what are the dos and don’ts?
Visiting In-Laws: How often will you visit each other’s families? What role do they play in your married life? What happens when you don’t get along with them?
Starting a Family: How will you approach parenting styles, discipline, or shared responsibilities?
You can also talk to trusted family members, married friends, or colleagues about their experiences and get a sense of the expectations you would like to set with your partner.
Discussing Expectations
Openly communicating expectations is key but doing so effectively requires some finesse.
Approach the conversation with an open mind and when you both are in a calm and relaxed environment. Communicate your needs clearly and use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame. Focus on active listening, where you try to understand each other’s point of view without judgment or interrupting. If tensions arise, redirect to your love and commitment to your relationship.
It is also important to remember that expectations evolve as life changes. Be flexible and willing to revisit conversations about expectations, especially during major transitions like starting a family or moving to a new home. If the conversations on expectations get particularly challenging, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a counselor or therapist. You can also consider signing up for a suitable marriage programme to align your marriage expectations, goals, and more.
Check In On Your Marriage Health
A healthy marriage thrives when you’re aligned in meeting and managing expectations of each other. To gain further insights into your relationship dynamics, consider taking Families for Life’s Our Marriage Journey Quiz. Complete it together to get insights to reflect into your relationship dynamics. Follow that up by using the accompanying discussion guide to reflect on your strengths and areas for growth, to foster a positive, fulfilling connection with your partner!
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