Families For Life | My child is giving me the silent treatment! What do I do?
Has your child given you the cold shoulder? The silent treatment is a frustrating, isolating experience that can leave parents feeling confused, hurt, and lost. If not addressed properly, the silent treatment can cause misunderstandings and isolation, which develops rifts in your family relationship.
Read on for practical advice and strategies to help you and your child work towards understanding the reasons behind his behaviour and finding healthier ways to manage it.
Why your child may give you the silent treatment
As young children grow up, they deal with many emotions they may not know how to manage effectively. Children may choose to stay quiet to protect themselves from feeling angry or hurt. Children may also use silence to control their environment and get their way.
All behaviours are forms of communication. If your child is not talking to you, there is a high chance they are telling you something; he may be feeling something he cannot express, or overwhelmed by his emotions.
Effective responses to the silent treatment
The hard part for parents is your response to the situation. As the silent treatment progresses, you might find yourself having a shorter temper and tempted to yell at your child more. However, this will only further trigger your child's physical and verbal aggression and the more your child will continue to use the silent treatment against you to get what they want.
Instead of raising your voice, do these instead to get your child to talk and learn better ways to solve their internal conflicts:
1. Don’t take it personally
The silent treatment does make you feel powerless as a parent, as you’re unable to get your child to listen. You may also be tempted to give in to your child so they will be “nice” again. However, doing this can send the wrong message and he may believe using this passive-aggressive behavior is an effective or appropriate way to get what he wants.
Resist the urge to retaliate, and take a moment to calm down first. A calm composure can de-escalate tensions and tell your child that you're willing to listen.
2. Send a clear message
You have to tell your child that remaining silent will not solve his problems and that you are there for him to talk about his thoughts. Be firm, but do not pressure him. You can say: “Not talking to me is not going to make your bad feelings go away. When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here.”.
You can also offer incentives to encourage him to open up. For example, you can talk over his favourite fruits, or watch a movie after having the conversation. Once you do, go on about your business, and your child will approach you when he’s ready.
3. Once is enough
If your child still doesn’t want to talk even after offering help, going to him and pleading with him to talk will defeat its purpose. It lets him know that his silent treatment is getting to you and encourages him to keep up the cold shoulder.
Instead, show that you have control over the situation. You can say things like “Until you talk to me, I won’t make your favourite dinner.” or “I’m going to do chores first. Whenever you are ready, we can talk about it.”.
4. Remain kind and understanding
Eventually, when your child decides to open up, make sure you take the conversation seriously. Your child is going through a confusing and stressful time; remaining calm and attentive helps him open up and rebuild his trust in you. This is also a good opportunity for you to introduce better ways to cope with overwhelming feelings. Patience and empathy are key to rebuilding trust and fostering a stronger relationship.
Melting the cold shoulder
If you stop giving the silent treatment power, your child will eventually realise that doing it will get him nowhere. It pushes him to use other healthier coping methods to handle his negative emotions. You must model healthy communication and emotional regulation skills for your child as their parent. By demonstrating these skills yourself, you're teaching them valuable skills that will benefit them in all their relationships.