Families For Life | The next step to communication: understanding

It takes more than just talking to really understand each other, especially in marriage. When we communicate more thoughtfully, we go beyond just talking to actually understanding what we are saying to each other.

Using tried-and-tested techniques, as well as paying attention to the tone in which we communicate, can help marriages move from just talking to each other to being with each other. Here are some ideas to try!

The speaker-listener technique

This technique ensures each person is heard without hurt feelings or arguments getting out of hand. The idea is simple. Do not interrupt your partner. Listen actively, paraphrase what was said, and double confirm, so that there is mutual understanding. Then swap roles and repeat.

When you avoid interrupting and really try to understand what your partner said, you reduce conflicts. It takes practice. Start with light topics, but as you improve, you’ll see this technique helping you during more serious talks. The key to making it work is to remember to unconditionally give your spouse the “floor” when he or she speaks.

Focus on Comprehension

Even when we hear our partner’s words, that doesn’t always mean we understand their full meaning. Emotions, context, and intention matter. Comprehension means grasping not just the facts but also the feelings behind them.

Here are some tips for better comprehension:

• Ask clarifying questions like “When you say ___, do you mean ___?”.

• Say in your own words what you think your partner meant.

• Notice non-verbal cues such as body language, tone, and facial expressions as they can define the meaning of what was said.

Mind Your Tone

It’s not what you say, but how you say it and in marriage, that’s often true. The tone you use when speaking can either lead to better understanding or shut down communication, as it frames your message.

Here are some ways to improve your tone:

• Stay calm. If frustration is creeping in, pause, take a few breaths.

• Avoid sarcasm or hurtful jokes. If you want to express criticism or raise a concern, use gentle and respectful phrasing.

• Choose your timing. Trying to discuss things with your spouse right after a stressful day might lead to your tone being harsher than intended.

Putting It All Together

Here’s something you can try together when you’re both relaxed. Use the Speaker-Listener method to discuss something small, accompanied by the right tone. One person speaks using the “I feel…” approach, the other listens, paraphrases, then swaps roles. Notice how comprehension and tone affect what’s being felt and understood.

Over time, with patience and consistency, these tools become part of your communication style. You’ll find that arguments happen less often, or if they do, they resolve faster and more compassionately.

In a marriage (and life in general), understanding is just as important as communication. It’s one thing to share what happened in your day. It is another to pause, listen, and really get what your spouse is saying. Try these tips out, and you might find your conversations feeling more connected and purposeful!